Aging Liberates

Passing lately a hair salon at a local plaza I noticed a poster of young woman with beads in her hair. The advertisement said ‘hair bling’. 

‘Rubbish!’ – was my immediate reaction but then I checked myself. ‘Maybe it is not attractive for me now, but 30 years ago I might’ve jumped on the opportunity of having something like this on my head.‘

Is this a sign that I do not care how I look anymore?

In one smart and insightful article about aging the author made her point that aging liberates - men do not notice you anymore, so why bother (dying your hair or wearing heels).

With this for some reasons I could not agree.



Old Woman by Guido Reni



I think, I never looked at my femininity as a burden.

Since early teens it was a big part of my stride towards becoming the best person I could be. Looking good was not about pretense – rather about self-expression and certain bravado. 

In my prime femininity was my closest friend, bold and challenging at times, but also deeply rewarding. Perhaps that is why I feel no need to be liberated from it now in my late 50s.

Why should I relax or change direction if I am not tired living my life?

I also doubt that people ignore older women entirely. I think, they still notice us, just for different reasons - for our approval, or expertise for example.

It is quite interesting though, that a man can be bald or hairy, neat or totally unkempt and still be considered smart or important. With us women this evaluation is much more connected to the way we look.

A well-groomed and nicely dressed woman is often perceived also as  more competent. This effect was recently tested by giving the group of people pictures of the same women with and without makeup and asking them to indicate those who seemed smart.  The major conclusion was – those with reasonable makeup – i.e., who looked good.

I guess, by making an effort to look nice we send a message that we care about people around us, their opinions and what they are comfortable with. We let them know that they are important to us, as well as the particular occasion.

We also somehow expect an older lady who took time to make a hairdo and touch her lips with a hint of lipstick to be in a good mood.  I am not sure how it works, but a smile and even the anticipation of a smile makes us feel better.

So when we get older it is not that we should abandon an effort – just gradually change means.  

And on another note:

Several years ago the grandmother of my then son-in-law  came to our parts for a visit. She was in her 80s, recently diagnosed with advanced stage of cancer, and decided to see her grandchildren for the last time. Her life, as I heard, was no picnic - a working-class wife and mother who had survived Depression and war. She lost to cancer first – her husband, then - one after another - both of her daughters.

I expected to see a woman in deep despair, a human wreck.   Instead on my porch arrived a nice little lady with silver curls and French manicure. She enthusiastically tried a glass of wine and strong Turkish-style coffee my husband made for her. She also looked genuinely interested in our exotic stories about life in former USSR.

She died several months later, and many things happened since then. I think though, that her visit taught me a lesson on not just how to live but how to go.

It is quite possible that when we make an effort to the end, we actually extend our life through people's memory. Even - of distant people.

They may think about us years after with respect, gratitude or just with a smile.