Counting My Blessings

All year round popular magazines offer psycological advices like “breath deep to fight stress and anxiety”. Never worked for me. When I am under stress I need to overcome its root-cause. Until this is done, I am not relieved.

As unpleasant and sickening as stress is, it is my great motivator. When sometimes I try to “calm down and look at the bright side of it” things only get worse… Well, most of the time…  

But in the midst of the winter it is somehow different. When it is cold and dark we need more warmth, more compassion, and more cheering up.  And to get all that we invented the holiday season (please, forgive me those who have a more spiritual explanation!)

Psychiatrists swear by the benefits of counting your blessings - i.e.,  of consciously focusing on the most valuable things in your life. They say the outcome will always make you feel good.

So, I decided to count mine.

First of all, I am blessed with my close family. It is not large and not entirely traditional. And our relations at times are not perfect. But the longer I live, the more I feel extremely lucky to have them.

Over the years my opinions in this department altered substantially: from a naïve thought that I deserved them all, to the unpleasant realization that along the way I made all the mistakes in the book, and later, - to deep sadness seeing many better people losing their loved ones left and right.

The only thing I am certain about now is that life is fragile and relations are fragile. While trying to do my best I only own my past and present.

As for the future, it is more about hope than planning.

This kind of art is called "Americana".
I like it for many details and overall warm feeling 

My second blessing is the fact that we are here, in America. It took me 11 years to become an American citizen. My fingerprints did not come out six times in a raw, and then the file was simply lost. But when I sent a letter to our senator the answer came within a week, and in the next two weeks I had my citizenship interview.

In Russia the story like this would be considered a miracle.

Last time my husband talked on the Skype with his mother in Moldova, she asked him, if it was warm in our house. She is in her mid-80^s and sometimes feels not  too well, but she knows that we have our own furnace (she had been visiting with us several years ago).

However, living all her life in apartments with a Soviet-style central heating system, she is used to suffer every year from late and insufficient heat supply. And therefore, it is hard for her to imagine that we do not depend on other people in that: in our own home we make it as warm as we like.

One of the major blessings in my American life is its dignity. Rich or poor, educated or not, we are not looked down upon. Some people say, this results from the Second Amendment, but I sometimes think, it is in the air of this country that diligently blows out many stale prejudices. 

An example that is on my mind is sad but true. When we lost our mother to cancer both my sister  and me were struggling financially, but the owner of the funeral parlor was as respectful to us as to anyone who could afford an expensive ritual.

He made some inquires regarding our grandparents and filled an application based on what we knew. This knowledge was quite limited, but to my surprise, we were not asked to produce any documents in support of our words.

Being recently from Russia I was thinking: “Why would he believe anything we said?”

“Why would people lie about such things?”  probably was his American reason.

Another "second blessing" of mine is my few lifetime girlfriends. Never thought much about it, maybe because it was so easy and natural when we were young, open-hearted, and life was smiling on us.

Now it is different. One of them lives in the far North of Russia. Many years we communicated mostly through letters and postcards. Twice a year I put Hallmark stores upside down to find the right  post card for her (on Christmas, and then - on her birthday). Recently we started talking through Skype (and even see each other!), but time difference makes it tricky.  Still we participate in each other's lives.

The other one lives in the US but became unreachable. I can only guess her reasons for not returning my calls, but whatever they are - I do not hold it against her. Last time I was listening to her answering machine I thought, “Well, at least this is her voice. That means, she is alive and, hopefully, well. Good enough for me. ”

I also have a dear friend here in America. She is my former English teacher and deserves at least a special posting. We do not see much of each other, because they moved from the area couple of years ago, but she takes time to weed out most ridiculous mistakes in my published posts. So those who read them later (for example, in Australia) are actually at advantage.

And then I am blessed with comparatively good health. Part of it is lucky genes (thank you, grandma!), and the other part is the early developed habit of making some effort. 

In our health club I once walked behind a man in his 60s. He stepped with difficulty being in apparently bad shape. My thought was “He probably provided well for all his family and now can finally do something for himself”.  

I know many people who put the question of health on a backburner for most of their lives. Their bodies were supposed to withstand all the coming challenges (and indulgences), and on a rare occasion – be mended up by the ultimately powerful modern medicine.

I was entertaining the same thoughts until my first serious encounter with doctors. It left me pretty shaken and skeptical about any chances of healthy aging.

Started doing yoga I regained my hopes. I even said to one of our friends that with yoga I finally felt protected. He laughed at me and said,

“Oh, Svetlana, don’t be childish!”

Happy New Year!